Distressed
by Asoomy
Summary: Conan hasn't lived up to his promise and now the witness is gone. but why is Conan taking this so personally? could there be a deeper meaning behind it. find out through Haibara's journey through out the night.
1. Chapter 1

**Distressed **

I don't own Detective Conan or any of the characters

….

**Chapter One **

It's quite ironic really when you think about it, the first room he saw was the firing rage, and he just walked straight in. he had failed, his witness, the person he had promised would come out alive, has died, shot to be exact. I don't think he's been through this before, losing someone that is, he's taking it a little too hard though, a little…too personal. Looking through the clear glass, he was in his adult form. His black leather jacket was torn all the way down his right shoulder, his white shirt graphitized with hot, thick blood. A cut down his left cheek and a deeper one right across his chest, but those didn't seem to hurt him for some reason. I could see Ran trying to 'make him feel better' not much progress there though. She gave up about 10 minutes later, she walked out with a face full of uncertainty and fear. Hattori and his girlfriend, Hakase, the sleeping Kogoro, Suzuki, Kudo's mom and the FBI, all carried the same worried face.

"I've never seen him like that, he just keeps saying that he's fine"said Ran

What happened wasn't Kudo's fault though, the man sacrificed himself for the cause, Kudo knew that, well should know that but giving the circumstances anyone with a reason would have done the same, including me.

Dawn was breaking, the sun climbing up the horizon. The darkness left in the sky was being stripped away by the light of its rays. A warm day approaching, erasing the traces of a dark stormy night, a night where we almost lost everything. I tried to look away, to keep a straight face, pretend to be occupied with the little thread hanging off my shirt. My mind was occupied alright, but all I could think about was him. His sight was plain disturbing and quite honestly pathetic, a man gave up his life for justice and peace why can't you just respect his decision and why the hell are you taking it so personally. With all that said, I can't deny the tears that wanted to form around my eyes, seeing the one person who means the world to you in such state honestly no one should ever experience that. I didn't dare look at him again for I knew that one more look at him and I don't think I would've been able to keep this façade or the tears from running down my cheeks for much longer.

"why don't you try talking to him " it was Kudo's mom who said that, and she was talking to me. It wasn't a question nor was it demand, it sounded a lot like favor. The way she said it, she truly believed he was going to open to me and Just like that, all eyes were on me. Confusion, that's what I saw in their faces, well except for Hakase and Kudo's mom of course. The nature of the relationship Kudo and I have was still unknown to them. The whole day we pretended to be strangers, you know for safety reasons. He introduced me as a coworker from overseas with the name Julie Webb, which I never approved of, crazy to think the grin I saw on his face when he said it was mere hours ago. So naturally, I was a complete stranger for all they knew.

"why me? " I said, still taken aback from her request but she just smiled in return. I looked over at Ran, she had a 'why-the-hell-could-she-get-to-him-if-I couldn't' face. A minute had passed on complete silence, I don't know why I was so nervous about talking to him, I guess it was fear of the unknown. Fear that I may fail which is a huge probability. Mostly though, it was Kudo's mom. For some weird reason which I still don't understand, I didn't want to let her down. Releasing the thread I was toying with the whole time without notice, taking a deep breath I took my first step.

My hand was reaching for the doorknob when I stopped, turned to Jodie

"give me your gun" I said

Okay probably not the first thing you want to say before walking into a room with an emotionally distressed person, although Kudo's mom didn't seem bothered-unlike the others including Hakase- she just kept on smiling and if possible she seemed even more relaxed.

"No!" that was Ran, I don't think she trusted me with her boyfriend, especially with a gun in hand. I couldn't blame her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Distressed **

I don't own detective conan or any of the characters

…...

**Chapter two**

It was Kudo's mom who gave me her gun, - I didn't even know she had one- , and she did it with a smile. Just how much does she trust me I thought to myself and did I really deserve that trust. I pushed that thought out of my head as I started to walk inside. Seeing him up close was simply terrifying. His legs were crossed and so were his arms, his eyes were closed and he was rocking back and forth. I took a deep breath and let the doorknob slide off my hand. As the door closed shut behind me, he slowly turned his head and opened his oceanic blue eyes.

"Oh it's you" he said, I was probably the last person he'd imagined seeing, and who would blame him. "I'm fine you don't have to worry about me "he continued.

"Don't flatter yourself I'm not here for you" I started walking towards the other end of the room trying to avoid his eyes. "Besides since you're fine why would I be worried about you" he looked at me for an explanation as to why I'm here "I'm here to blow off some steam that's all, please feel free to leave the room whenever you feel like it"

His expression softened slightly but he didn't say anything nor did he move, he did stop rocking though. I could see his face clearly now. Sorrow, concern, guilt I couldn't tell which I saw, maybe all of them. I walked up to the spot, loaded my gun the first time, and fired my first round. I tried not to look at him as I loaded my gun the second time. I was halfway through my round when he said "keep your heel on the ground". I stopped, turned to look at him "what?"

"Your aim is off, keep your heel on the ground, your back straight, your arms stretched ahead of you" he said with a hint of calmness in his voice

"What do you know about sharpshooting?"

"More than you apparently "

He walked up to me, straightened my back with the palm of his hand, the other hand stretching my arms as far as they can go and then squeezed the trigger. It was dead on.

"See just like that" he said smiling

"I did all the work, you just stood there"

"Yea right you were doing great before me"

"Fine, show me what you can do" I said handing him the gun. Safe to say he was perfect. Every bullet he sent flying ended up in the ten ring. "See just like that" he said with a smirk, throwing me the gun.

"Not impressed" I retorted caching the gun midair.

He sat down on the chair across the window. The sun was up by now, its warm rays spread the room. Rays of light spread across the floor and upon the wall and into his face. His eyes shone under the light, his face ugly with blood. He carried a look of complete defeat. One word I never thought I'd use to describe him but it's exactly what I saw before me now, despair. I leaned on the table facing him my arms crossed. "How did you learn to shoot like that?"

"My dad taught me ages ago"

Silence ruled the atmosphere for the next five minute. I looked down at the gun in hand and I wonder how many lives had is taken, how many people ended up rocking back and forth in a dark room all night trying to cope with the loss of a loved one.

For the first time that night I met his eyes, and we locked. Was he trying to say something through his eyes, should I have understood a hidden message, because I didn't. Our staring contest lasted for another two minutes -that must have looked pretty weird from the other side of the door. I started for the door. I failed, did I ever believe that I could get to him? Well maybe. My hand was on the doorknob and I started turning it when he said "wait"

"You're not fine"

"No I'm not"

"Tell me what's wrong"

He ran his hands through his hair and looked at the window. His expression was somewhere between a smile and a frown, not a sad smile just something deeper. He said nothing for the next couple of minutes though. I almost gave up hope-again- when he said "I promised him, I promised him that he would make it. I promised him that I would protect him and I didn-"

"O cut the crap already" the words came flying out of my mouth, frustration, confusion all running through my head. I wanted to be calm but the minute I opened my lips all the calmness was drained out of me leaving me with a body full of anger and perplexity. He looked at me, his eyes wide shocked at my outburst

"Kudo why can't you see that he made a decision that we have to respect, it wasn't your fault you must know that right? if it weren't for him we wouldn't be here so why can't you just accept his wish and for the rest of your life be grateful for what he has done for all of us besides you know you would have done the same thing, I know I would have-"

"I know" he cut me off midsentence, a little sad smile appearing on his face. He looked up to me and I could swear his eyes were sparkling "I know that it was his decision and I respect that and I am forever grateful for what he has done for all of us" his voice is no louder than a whisper now. "I also know that I would have done the same thing if I had a reason and so would you, and you know" now he was looking straight through my soul, his eyes burning into mine "that he wasn't the only person that I have promised to protect".


	3. Chapter 3

**Distressed **

I don't own detective conan or any of the characters

…...

**Chapter three**

"And you know that he wasn't the only person that I have promise to protect"

My arms, that were crossed a second ago, suddenly feel heavy and fall to my sides. I can feel my jaw drop slightly but I can't feel much else. His face is dark despite of the sunlight hitting hit face. He's not facing me anymore and I'm glad that he isn't. I press a hand to my face and run it through my hair. I stare at the wall not really seeing it, my mind races through memories of the two of us, the day we met, the day he saved me from that rooftop, the day he ran into an exploding bus to save me and the day he made me that promise.

Me, he promised me

I look at him and I can't help but smile. He sitting on the floor now his arms wrapped around his knees. I walk over to him and I seat myself right in front of him. I unwrap his arms, I stretch my hand to the cut across his chest. I slowly run my finger alongside it, I don't care who's watching anymore.

"That looks bad you should get it checked you know" I say my finger still pressed against his chest

He is staring at me, and the more he does my smile grows bigger then it evolves to a giggle and then a full on laughter. He probably thinks that I've lost my mind. I start to calm down a little when both his hands land on my shoulders

"why the hell are you laughing, I'm serious if I couldn't protect him how can I keep my promise to you how can I protect you, how can I be sure that when the time comes I won't fail and that we both will make it out alive, I can't trust myself with your safety anymore and neither should you" his voice trembles more as he goes through his speech, tears start to swell around his eyes and he drops his head to cover them up. His breathing is heavy, his chest rising up and down rapidly. His hands squeeze my shoulders "I can't lose you "and his arms fall to my sides and he lifts his head and rests it on the edge of the chair behind him.

A though came rushing into my head, what am I to him? A stepping stone, an acquaintance, a friend, a partner I didn't know and it hurt too much to think about it. I never expected to hear these words come out of his mouth and for them to be directed at me. As much as I hoped he would say them, amongst other things, I tried not to let it get to me, I couldn't afford to fall deeper.

"baka, you actually had me worried you know" I say to him still smiling

"You should worry, I can't keep you safe and I can't keep my promise to you why wouldn't you worry"'

"Because I got you"

"I'm not that great, you know that" with a little smile

I sigh and my hands find his arms and I hold on to them "the great detective from the east Kudo Shinichi a man with an ego of a rock star and the sense of justice of a true believer in law. My poison cost you great suffering and my actions put both your professional career and social life on a massive hold. As a result you have no idea how to get your life back and whether that's even possible. You have to hide your identity from the person that you love most in this world and can never enjoy life the way you deserve to"

I can feel my words digging their way into his heart and I can sense the combination of emotions boiling through his soul. "I walked in to your life and day after day I have seen nothing but kindness and warmth from you. I who you should hate more than anyone else, you ran into burning room to save me and you jump into a bus full of explosives to save me and even now you're telling me that you can't lose me. You have given me your protection, your partnership and your trust, I never deserved them. Ever stopped and imagined how that makes me feel?"

His eyes are locked into mine, his jaw is slightly dropped. I can see his tongue moving trying to form words out of his thoughts but I stick a finger to his lips. "And now you want to tell me that you can't keep your promise to me. You promised me to protect me to give me a life worth living and now you tell me that you can't fulfill that promise. I laughed because Kudo, you already did. I came to you with nothing, and now I have everything I need. You gave me a reason to live Kudo and as long as I have that reason, I will always be protected. I existed before you but now I'm truly alive and life is finally beautiful and I have you to thank for all that, no one else".

His arms travel beneath mine and he pulls me in for an embrace. It's warm and full hope and love and that moment was the happiest I have ever been. A minute passed and he didn't pull away and neither did I, I don't know about him but I could have gone all day. "That was the first time I've ever heard you laugh" he whispers in my ear and a chuckle escapes my mouth. I rest my head on his shoulder for the next few minutes

He pulls away eventually and I see him smiling, his usual grin plastered upon his face. "You should really get that chest of your checked out though, doesn't look so good"

"Yea I will"

I back away from him and he starts stretching his legs, probably fallen asleep from all that rocking. I stand to take my leave "you forgot something" and he throws the gun over to me and I catch it, I give him a small smirk. I turned the doorknob and started to walk out "you're pretty good with a gun aren't you?" a trademark smirk and I'm out.

I can feel all the eyes burning into me but I didn't care. I walked over to Kudo's mom and handed her her gun back. Today I didn't fail and as a result tomorrow is going to be even more twisted but it's okay because no matter what happens I will always have that reason to live.


End file.
